maternityandback

Wanted – Career-minded and driven woman to fulfil exciting new opportunity 

• One strong Superwoman to nurture a cute small baby and maintain a happy home, for up to 12 months, full time – highly rewarding and lots of coffee, cake and playdates provided  
• No prior experience required!  Very generous holiday allowance – travel as much as you’d like to!
• Apply now! – Please read small print below

Job specification 

• Salary is zero and work hours are 24/7 (with minimal breaks, unpaid)
• Nightshift work required and a flexible approach to working demands – coffee therefore a must
• While you may travel as much as you like with your Small Person, remember that they require e.g. 3 bags per kilo of baby-weight, twice as many outfits as you, bottles and sterilisers and baby paracetamol, musical sheep and raggy-comforters, and dummies – we politely suggest holidays are planned 12 months in advance (and prior to the arrival of your Small Person)
• We celebrate all our employees by providing daily cake – we find it encourages them to come back for the next shift
• Previous experience working with a narcissistic boss or team-mate a plus; the line manager for this role has been known to have extremely low tolerance for poor performance and believes in providing frequent verbal feedback (he also occasionally falls asleep on the job and then requires Total Silence from his employees)
• Must have no prior experience of full-time house-keeping as time spent building a career is highly valued within this busy team!
• Although time spent building a career prior to this new role will not assist with the new role in any way (no boardroom presentations, no excel spreadsheets, no team members to delegate to (although teamwork in the evenings and weekends is admired where practicable))
• Playdates a must to expand social network (as previous colleagues and friends quickly become inaccessible)
• Must be interested in advancing personal development, such as: bottom wiping and avoiding nappy rash; guessing-the-reason-for-the-cry; getting-baby-to-nap; preventing baby from being licked by pets; preventing baby from tugging on pets; preventing baby from self-harming generally; entertaining baby (level 4 in Advanced Nursery Rhymes a benefit); baby-pureeing-and-spooning-mush-into-baby; Advanced Baby Hygiene (must be willing to deal with leakages, spills, overflow and projectile liquids at all and any hours of the day)
• Endless energy required as the EASY (eat-activity-sleep-you) routine has been said to have some fundamental flaws, which the company is looking to improve – namely not much “sleep” or “you” involved and not at all “easy”
• Excellent opportunities for career advancement, for example:
  • Can also work “keeping in touch days” while maintaining this new no-pay full time role in order to protect aforementioned career
  • Can also work weekends (as life partner will expect some weekend break time from their own paid employment and is unlikely to accept baby responsibilities every weekend)
  • Can also work towards Wife/Partner of the Year Award Level 3 (i.e. buying food shopping, cooking dinners, planning holidays, sorting out car tax and MOT, remembering grandparents’ birthdays etc – since this is a no-pay role and it is only fair to pick up additional duties while your life partner brings home the proverbial bacon)
  • Can also walk the dog more frequently than prior to the arrival of the Small Person as the dog will now feel less loved and seek more committed and tiring exercise so as not to be tempted to Eat The Baby (which is frowned upon)
• Must be interested in outdoors pursuits and not tire quickly (i.e. ability to walk 20 miles each day with pram beneficial)
• Ability to provide own ear-plugs and headache tablets a plus (the company cannot provide these to employees as the rate of uptake has made it too costly to do so)

Enquiries to: 

Baby Inc, Baby Department, Chief Noise Maker and Creator of Poop